Becoming a mommy has definitely been both a gift and a curse for me. At times I can get very emotional, wanting to be left alone, with not a clue of what I’m supposed to be doing with my life or as a mother. Other days I am so upbeat, ready to go places, and be active. It is definitely a lot of ups and downs for sure. Between work, home, my relationship, and just the other hassles of life, it’s hard.
I have been searching for employment since before I got pregnant, inactively when I gave birth, but now it is way more active than before. Interview after interview, and nothing many times. Even though I really want a new job and to make more money, since I have a Masters degree that I don’t want to waste, I really don’t want to work full time. Not yet!! I want to be home with my baby. That’s really the hardest part. I have spent so much time with her the last 7 months, that I’m not quite ready.
Monday I will be getting back to adulting. Working a full time job, in addition to my part time job. I’m scared!! To get back in the swing of things will be difficult. Waking up early every morning and having to leave my girl all day will be tough. I am not extremely concerned because she will be with either sets of her grandparents (Thank God!), but to leave her for hours at a time!? My goodness!!
But, hey! I have to do what I must, as a mother. Especially a mother that has plenty of goals that need to be met. I look forward to the extra funds, they will definitely be useful in taking care of baby girl, paying bills, and doing other things.
Back to Adulting!!
As I’m laying here at 6:39 in the morning, I can’t help but stare at my sweet girl. While sleeping in her crib majority of the night, I couldn’t help but to lay her next to me, for my own sense of security. It is very amazing how such a small person can become such a large gift in ones life. When I look at her I see so much love and innocence. Just to think, this beautiful sleeping baby girl, created from the love of two people, is really here. It is still hard to believe sometimes. We have created something so amazing. She brings so much joy, peace, and tranquility, yet she doesn’t even know it.
Even with my sweet girl a few days shy of 5 months old, Christmas was a gift in itself. She didn’t understand much of what was going on. It wasn’t about me, it was all about her. I looked forward mostly to that. She played with the few things we got her that made noises. She played with tissue paper, because that’s what babies do! Lol. She fought sleep so many times throughout the day, as if she was going to miss something if she went to sleep. She just wanted to hang like the big people, and I can’t blame her.
Motherhood has opened my eyes greatly and is teaching me so much. While I’m losing patience in some areas of my life, I’m gaining patience in areas that I never thought I could. I’m focusing on different things, and finding importance in the things that really matter. Having a baby can really change your perception on life. It’s very positive, for me anyway. When I’m feeling discouraged, coming home and seeing that little round face changes my entire mood. I love talking with her, holding her, staring and her, and loving her overall.
I love my sweet girl. She may just be the very best gift that I’ve been blessed to have.
As I sit here at work, I can’t help but to ponder on when my career will lift off. When will I find my calling? Why am I sitting here? This isn’t for me. What is taking so long for God to bless me with employment that will not only be my passion, but will also be a steady income to provide for my family. While there are a million and one jobs out there, it is as if there is nothing in existence. At this point I am starting to feel as if my education was received in vain. I should have just got a degree in Engineering or Mathematics. What is the point of having degrees, experience, knowledge, and common sense if it is irrelevant. It’s almost as if it is obsolete.
We do all of this work in school, we learn so much, we are prepared to go out to work. Then you get there, and BOOM! NOTHING!!! Out in the world, all this money spent, all your time given, all this work put in and still nothing. What the FUCK am I doing!? Then there’s this feeling of hopelessness, as if there’s no way out this deep abyss called life. I feel like I am sinking, nowhere to go, no purpose, no path, and confused.
I was told recently that in order to get ahead you have to lie. Lie on your resume, lie in an interview, and even lie doing the job, if you need to. Google is your best friend. Sometimes the only way to get the job you want is to ‘fake it til you make it’. There is always room to learn, so you might as well lie to get what you want, right?
Even with an idea of the path I want to take, I’m not quite sure exactly how I will get there. I have been working in healthcare for almost 5 years. I enjoy it greatly!! There is some enjoyment I get out of being in a facility with the elderly population. They can be so wise, and give the best advice. I have gained some of my best advice from a few of my residents. It is so rewarding to be in a place with adults that have experienced so much of life that I have not even thought of experiencing.
In the meantime, I will put things in Gods hands. I’m sure He will send something my way. I’m definitely on the lookout and hoping something shows up sooner rather than later!
August 1, 2015 at 34 weeks I welcomed my beautiful baby girl into this world. Zoe Aria made her way into my life a little earlier than expected, but welcome nonetheless. Just to think, I went in for a routine doctors visit on July 29th and was told I had to go to the hospital and was having a baby by the end of the weekend. I was scared. I had severe preeclampsia, so baby was coming 6 weeks earlier than expected! I had to have an emergency c-section due to elevated blood pressure levels. Those few days in the hospital were very stressful (that is a long drawn out delivery story). Even with all the stress, I was grateful to see my sweet girl and bring her home.
We stayed in the hospital an entire week after her birth because she was considered premature. Being in the hospital taking care of her made things so easy. I was so ready to go home, but so unprepared for what going home would bring. The thing about becoming a parent, motherhood in particular, is that their is no manual for this! They just throw you in the wild to a pack of wolves. No instructions, nothing! While I believe that women have that natural instinct to be a mother, there is still soooooooo much to learn. I am nowhere near learning or knowing everything that it takes to be a mother. I am learning every day, every minute, every second.
When I first got home I got no sleep! It didn’t help that my body was still in pain and recovering from this major surgery. I could barely walk to the bathroom, and definitely had trouble walking up and down the stairs. While my boyfriend was of great assistance, I did hold much animosity toward him because he didn’t have to experience what I had just experienced. I’m not used to not being able to do for myself, so having to depend on others was very hard for me. My parents and siblings were also of great help, and for that I will forever be grateful.
My sweet girl is now 3 months and growing so beautifully. She is now cooing, smiling, laughing, trying to talk me ears off, and attempting to roll. I am looking forward to watching her grow each day. A baby is such a beautiful gift, and I am grateful to be able to experience motherhood.
“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” — Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
2015. What a year it has been thus far, as it is quickly approaching its ending point. January 4th I came to learn that I would be welcoming a little baby into this world September 2015 (what a way to bring in the new year). While estatic and elated of the news, I was still very nervous. Like, OH SHIT!! What the hell am I going to do — I graduate in a few months. Was I ready to be a mother? How is this going to work? What are my parents going to say? In my head all I could think about is how much I didn’t have my life together! Being brought up in a religious home, yet not too overzealous in their beliefs, I was very hesitant to tell my parents (especially since I live in their home). My boyfriend and I are currently not married, so I felt that would be an issue to them. I do actually care about what they think. Surprisingly, they took the news very well. Whew! They can be very strict at times, but over the years our relationship has become stronger and they have been very understanding of so much when it comes to my life. Not many people are blessed enough to have such a great bond with their parents. It is truly rewarding and a blessing nonetheless.
In addition to finding out we would be having a baby, I was in my last semester of graduate school. I received my Master of Science in Human Services Administration (which is just a fancy name for business administration in for-profit and non-profit organizations). I also hold a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology, which I received in 2013. I’m not really sure what I’m doing, or what path I’m taking with my degrees. I have so many ideas. There are so many routes. I just haven’t figured it out yet. So many skills that I have, just not quite sure how to utilize them. Trying to find my niche, it can be difficult. At 25, I know that I am nowhere near where I could be, but what I do know that I am destined for great things. As long as I have goals and am working towards those goals, anything is possible. I am continuously learning patience, and always praying for the best!!!
This is my journey as a new mommy, significant other to my soulmate, recent graduate, & a soul needing guidance.